Bars, Bricks, and Snow
by Marauders Chick
Summary: A brief look into the mind of a Sirius gone slightly mad within the walls of Azkaban.


Disclaimer: The usual

Summary: See summary

I remember the snow.

It's one of those memories that you really think you don't need, until you are hanging onto it, inexplicably. It is one of the few things that you can hold on to in Azkaban. Because the warmth of the sun and the feel of a breeze on a hot summer day are too alluring and pleasant of thoughts for the dementors to allow, you see. Greedy, scabby creatures, with nothing better than to steal all that they cannot have.

Oh, but they let me keep snow.

It is possibly because in this place it is already so cold. It doesn't seem like it at first. Just one of those things that you tell yourself will only last a little while. But it's a lie to yourself- the cold just goes on and on, and eventually it seeps into your bones and catches tight in your breast, and before you know it _you are the cold._ So, yeah, snow isn't too hard of a concept to grasp.

Also, the last time I saw Remus, it was snowing. He was abroad those last months, in France, trying to commit any werewolves he could to our cause. It was only successful in making every letter he sent sound more tired, and hurt, and heartbroken.

Oh, this pain hurts so much- because when I think of Remus, I think of the rest of them. Of James and Lily and Peter, and, of course little Harry. Yes, I realize that Harry is not a baby any longer. But if I tell myself he is, then it's almost as though this hasn't happened. Like I've just gone and been too drunk in public again, and James'll be here any second to bail me out. Oh, and then, and then (I'm laughing now) he'll tell me what a prat I am, and then we'll _both _get drunk (I'm hysterical), and then Lily will bail us out and shout at Prongs the whole way home. But that won't happen because (now I'm sobbing) they're dead now. Are you happy Peter? How can you live with yourself?

And my hands grasp at the empty air, pretending, just for a second, that it's the rat's body I'm holding. And then, with my bare hands, I'm twisting and pulling, breaking every bone and nerve and tendon in his body. I can feel the way he is fighting, harder than he was ever able to before, but it won't be any good, because I'll have killed him. Gotten rid of the dirty bastard. Dead, dead dead. Why hasn't it come yet? Why hasn't death come, goddamit? Why am I still living when the ones I love most in the world are dead?

Yes, I have Remus. Well, I don't really. I'm dead to him, and he is dead to me as well. These walls of Azkaban, they hold so much more power than even they know…..and Harry, will they tell Harry about me? Will he know who I am? If they do, they'll tell him lies….Oh God, I'd give anything to change this, to go back and make things right…

What was I thinking about before? It's hard to remember, every moment blends together, and sometimes I lose thoughts and sometimes the same irrelevant thought pounds through my head a thousand times over. Oh yes! Snow. I think that perhaps I am snow, sometimes. A long time ago, I had tan skin, bronze and full of sun, but it's gone now. Ashy white, just like snow. And the tears on my face are like melted snow, drip, drip, drip, just like that. And obviously, I'm very very cold….just like…..ha ha, what was it again? Why does it matter?

And I'm running and hitting myself against the cold brick wall and I'm screaming, because all of this is just too too much, and I've been here all too long. What's this on my fingers? Ha ha, it's blood isn't it? It looks so nice on my nice white skin, really. I wonder what it tastes like… hmm…. I'm about to put it in my mouth, when I remember…

No, this is bad, bad, bad, I can't do this, it's wrong and I'm, oh Merlin, I'm going crazy again aren't I? I hate this, and I think that that dementor is wishing he could see me right now because he's very suspicious of what I'm doing in here. Well guess what, asswipe? You can't!!! You're blind and you have no eyes, and I hate you, I hate you like I hate the rest of them!!!

I sit down and breathe and concentrate. In a moment, I've changed back into a dog, and that dementor is walking away. And I look around and my thoughts are human no more.

Bricks. Walls. Bars. Snow.

Ah. Poor Sirius. To think, 12 years of this sort of thing....Anyway, I'd appreciate any reviews! Thanks!

-Marauders Chick


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